And how did I die, pray tell?
And how am I even writing this?
Well… if you’ve been keeping up with my adventures on Snapchat…
Wait a minute…I was thinking of someone else, I don’t even have a Snapchat account
You: “#Lame, Tiana….#Lame”
Anyhoo, so I guess I haven’t told you:
my husband dragged us across the whole U S of A to start his “dream job”
I mean, we relocated to the West Coast!
Like Oh m’God, so totally awesome!
or so we thought….
After my husband miraculously talked me into moving to the West Coast for an undetermined amount of time… ((wait a second))
You know… I’m not sure how he even got me to come here because I was totally fine living in Ivy League land with their amazingly well-funded libraries, our lovely friends, playdates that I usually forgot about, and a warm sense of cozy familiarity.
But my husband has got… some sort of magic over me.
It’s like he’s this:
combined with this:
With some of this too:
and a magical sprinkling of this
With his powers combined…
I just can’t so “No” to him.
I’m a weak woman!
Plus he bribed me.
And they were really good bribes.
But I’ll save that for another post.
I’d have to say that the West Coast is… pretty nice.
The people are amazingly chill…
The radio stations are pretty freaking awesome (if you like classic rock, indie, dream pop, with some accordion).
It’s sort of like the 1960s never ended…it just sort of extended and evolved if that makes any sense.
And the community where we live is just…for lack of a better word, “awesome.” It’s like hippies were elected and they did an AMAZING JOB. There are loads of natural markets, farmers markets, backyard gardens, micro farms, lots of beer and breweries, tons of flowers and greenery, and lots of free things to do (free concerts, free movies, loads of community get-togethers, great library, and its relatively safe… its pretty great.
****There are spiders everywhere*****
And I hate bugs.
But with every fiber of my being, I abhor the sight of a spider.
It’s enough for me to jump out of my skin and run; I kid you not, if a spider is on my skin I don’t even need it anymore…
Get off me spider!!!
(I’m kidding, I need my skin).
Knowing this, I think my aforementioned husband purposefully neglected to mention that the West Coast (or at least our future apartment complex) was overrun by spiders.
And how do I *know*…. that my husband KNEW…. there were spiders here?
Let me just lay out this scene for you:
A half hour ago, we were coming home to our apartment complex, which is very woody and jungle-like because of all the trees. Don’t get me wrong, I love trees. But you know who else loves trees? Spiders.
So we’re watching out for the multitude of “Surprise! I’m stuck to your face” webs and dodging the kamikaze drop down spider assaults (I’m itchy and prickly just thinking about it).
My 4 year old daughter is in full-on ballerina ninja mode; karate-pirouetting potential webs out of her way, while my 2 year old uses the “bull fight” method; running head first into whatever ridiculous spider would dare to not jump out of her way…
So after this Power Ranger-esque craziness…
we’re basically home free…but then we have to climb the peekaboo rickety stone stairs (totally not earthquake secure) to our apartment when what do I see….a spider carcass.
(Let’s pause here and get more info)
Now last night…. before I got into the shower, I pulled back the shower curtain from which inadvertently dropped a huge spider, which began to scuttle around freakishly in the tub. I understandably screamed and ran for my life. I mean, that spider was huge. It was almost as big as my thumb! I was lucky to escape unscathed.
Fast forward to now, about a half hour ago…remember that spider carcass next to our steps?
That spider was as big as my hand.
AS BIG AS MY HAND!!!
I freaked out… trying not to unintentionally will the spider back to life by looking at it… I began whisper-shouting: “Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s move move move!” like some laryngitic drill Sargent; trying my best to spirit the children up the stairs, because I knew that if they saw it, they would have fainted on the spot or gone into hysterics n’er hitherto seen before. It was that dang on big.
(1) Before all of this, in the morning, my husband had said that he had “sprayed for spiders”… when we both know he’s not one to use insecticide nor is he proactive enough to do anything like that without days of prodding. #hardtruth #youknowitstrue #yourenotlazyjustdotdotdot
(2) He wasn’t surprised by the large “thumb-sized” spider skittering around the bathtub
(3) He had actually seemed relieved when he saw the bathtub spider…instead of shocked by it’s largeness…little did I know he had already encountered the multi-legged behemoth from the deep.
So that’s the story of my demise.
Or it was either the 9 day cross country road trip with toddlers that did me in; I’m not sure which. But I think it was a combination of toddlers and spiders that’s kept me away from my computer for so long, but the spiders have me squinting suspiciously at shadows on the carpet and jumping like a crazy if a tendril happens to caress my neck or face.
I’ve also had to deal with all the miscellanea that comes with moving a cross country, having a husband starting his new job, and children who did not want to move.
It’s been a rough, tiring, and hot; fun beautiful adventure
p.s. If you see words, posters, or links in my post, those are things that I’ve handpicked and put in my blog especially for you. They lead to more information and if you like, you can buy what is featured; it’s usually a book, an online movie rental, or a cool product.
Preview picture found here